Excerpts from letter dated August 2013
“I knew I was guilty of an horrific murder.
“I knew I’d lied and more and more people were getting on board to help who appeared to be an innocent man.
(Referring to end of November 2012 & time leading up to OD in February 2013)
“At the time I was increasingly confused about my sexuality, having relived events from my past that I’d suppressed for so long. I also had other secrets I couldn’t deal with, like the bedwetting and other stuff.
“I hate being alone. I hate the thought of having no-one to love and no-one to love me. To admit what I’ve done, I believed I would be forever lonely. Who could love someone who murdered a defenceless old lady? No-one could. Fifteen minutes of my life, but in that time I destroyed it all.
Excerpt from another letter dated August 2013
“One of the books I’m reading is called Breaking Free and it’s really helpful. It explains a lot of the things I’ve been going through and panicking about. There’s some good advice about dealing with some of my problems…
“It’s painful knowing I’ve killed another person. Someone fragile and vulnerable. Completely innocent and nothing to do with my anger, my emotions, or my childhood….
Excerpts from letter dated 22nd September 2013
Excerpts from letter dated 5th October 2013
“I didn’t want anyone to find out that I killed Joan Albert. When I was arrested, I denied it because I didn’t want anyone to know what I had done..
“In the months between December and July, I was so afraid but I put on this act that I was okay and just living my life as normal. But I wasn’t okay. I was still doing similar things to what I was doing before the murder, but I was trying to live better. It didn’t work though because I didn’t really try to change. I spent more time doing what I wanted to do, constantly fearing that knock on the door. I told myself that I would commit suicide if I went to prison, and created this ideology that allowed me to carry on doing the same things. In this idealised state, I became more selfish, but at the same time my self loathing got worse, so I sought more escape, more alcohol, more drugs, more sex. Any gratification I could get…
Excerpt from letter dated 17th October 2013
“I spoke to Pauline and Karen on the phone. I asked them if people still believed I was innocent. I told them that I was innocent and that I confessed because I’d given up. I blamed it on drugs..
I wrote to Ray, Ian (B) and Phoebe because I thought those people would feed into my lies and want to support me. I would have written to Stef B too, but I lost the letter, or threw it away. I asked all 3 of them if they would like to visit me and bring someone with them. I was in ‘desperate’ mode and was reaching out to anyone I thought might believe me, so I could pretend to be innocent again. More lies, more disrespect and shame to add to my increasing list of wrong doings…”
Excerpt from letter following confession 2013
“I’ve done nothing but hurt you. I know that comes from my childhood. Not wanting to hurt Lynne from a young age because of how she would pile on the guilt and feelings of shame. The usual “I’ve done this and gone without that for you and look how you’ve repaid me.” The sad thing about that statement is that it carried on through my actions. You did sound like Lynne at times, but I know your tears weren’t fake. You weren’t saying things to make me feel guilty as she was. You were saying these things to me so I realised I was doing wrong. I see the difference, but I might not have explained it very well.
“You love me. Lynne didn’t. It’s taken me so long to get to the point because of the covert incest. Who wants to believe that their ‘family’ don’t actually love them? Especially someone with my rejection, abandonment and attachment issues.”
Excerpts from letter dated 11th January 2014
“I’ve always admired people who can just be themselves, not worrying about what other people thought, or if people didn’t like them. My skin has always been so thin and I think my upbringing and my childhood experiences have played a part in that. I’m going off subject a bit, but what I’m trying to say is that I hated who I was and what I was doing. When I talk about comparing myself to others, I’d look at them and think okay so he’s a bit of an idiot but at least he’s comfortable in his own skin and knows who and what he is. Those sorts of thoughts. I’d see others as ‘real men’ and I’ve never seen myself that way.
Excerpts from letter dated 28th January 2014
Letter dated 7th February 2014
Excerpts from Letter dated 9th February 2014
Excerpts from letters dated 14th & 17th February 2014
Excerpts from letter 2014
“Its’s going to take a long time to get to where I want to be but I’m determined to get there and I know that I will. I am researching and thinking about my past and I’ve got an understanding psychology book and a book called “they f**k you up” – How to survive family life by Oliver James. I’m reading them both at the same time and cross referencing different bits. It’s slow going and there’s a lot to take in but I’m understanding things a bit clearer.
“I panic because of shame and because the truth is destroying me. Living in denial gave me no reason to panic and if you remember, I only started to panic like that when I was being found out lying. I panic through fear of judgement and rejection.
“Am I like my biological father? He put himself before the children that he had.
“I am worried about genetics. All of the Walton kids are damaged. I believe that both nature and nurture f**ked me up, I do hate Lynne I do hate Shaun, but I hate myself more. If they were in this cell, I’d punch their lights out. That’s true, but I’d want to hurt myself too.
I don’t think it’s genetics. I remember my conscience as a kid, before Shaun got hold of me. I think nurture is so important from both to adulthood. If I’d been in loving households, I’d be different.
“You gave me strength and the stability that I’ve never had before.